Z and Me

Z is my first and only child and he changed my world. It’s so normal when your child is born to wonder who they will grow up to be, to think about all the things you’ll do together, the friends they’ll make, the adventures you’ll have as a family. When I realised that Z was autistic I can’t lie, it was hard to come to terms with at first. I cried a lot. I wondered what I’d done wrong (because it was obviously my fault as his mum right?). I’ve never worried so much in my life, I question everything I do, my heart has been broken time and time again seeing him have meltdowns and being completely useless to help. I’ve had to get used to people staring at us while out giving me judgmental glares when I can’t control Z or looks of horror as he hits me and I do nothing about it - they don’t understand that if I did tell him off that it would be even worse, trust me I’ve tried.

By the time it came to getting an official diagnosis, I’d realised that although our lives will not be the typical family experience I’d once planned in my head, it really didn’t matter. His smile can melt my heart, his giggles can make me laugh even when I’ve had nothing to laugh about. Getting a cuddle from him makes everything ok again, and hearing him call me Mummy after 3 years of side glances and being called “diddle diddle” has made me so, so bloody proud.

We have days that sail by so smoothly and others where I cannot wait to just crawl into bed and forget everything. This blog is my experience as a parent learning about ASD and I know it’s going to be unique because everyone with ASD is, but as I go along,  I’d love to share what I find out.

Sarah x