These Four Walls

A very little Z when he was finding his feet.

My safe place. Where I don’t need to worry about the world outside. We can get on with everything here, in our home. Meltdowns, stims, nothing matters, we’re just ourselves.

But inevitably we have to face the outdoors sometimes. I realised after a chat with my mum not so long ago, that I used to get pretty stressed about going out. I never said anything about it to anyone, as with most of my problems it was just an internal anxiety. Knowing I needed to go food shopping, visits to the doctor, even going for a walk were all unpredictable and would fill me with dread. It’s a strange feeling because as much as I worried about going out, I really hated being stuck in too.

There were so many variables that I needed to be prepared for. Would Z walk or should I take the pushchair? How will I get him from the car into the shop? Will he need a snack to distract him? Will the snack last long enough for me to get around the shop? Will he let the doctor look at him? Will he sit ok while the doctor looks at me? Should I give him his tab or will people judge me? If I don’t give him the tab will people judge me for having a screaming toddler? The list goes on, but the question above all...will he have a meltdown?

For a long time most of my trips out with Z would include a meltdown at some point, so it felt easier and safer to just stay in, keeping to our four walls. But I would always push through that and try to go out regardless. This was life and I had to get on with it. Now though, I’m definitely getting better at going out. Not feeling the nerves so much now and caring less if we do get comments or looks. I don’t know exactly when the nerves started to fade away but understanding Z better and finding our way to communicate, starting to know when he’s over stimulated and needs to calm down, being able to recognise these things certainly help, because knowing him means I preempt when meltdown's might occur.

Having another understanding adult with me helps too. My superhero mum is always there if I need her. Even if she just sits in the car while I run into a shop, or carries my bag while I carry Z - who has the amazing ability to turn himself into an ironing board at times or, a wriggly worm at others. Realising that it’s ok to ask for help has been important for me along with understanding that I have to be patient, that things change over time and we’re all learning together. I like to be as independent as I can, but we all need help sometimes, and I feel like accepting that is making me a better mummy.

Sarah x