Friendship - Thoughts of a quarantined Mummy.

The best snuggles

I’ve never been the best for opening up and talking about my feelings, especially face to face. I like to listen and I’ll always be happy to talk to friends about their problems, but talking about my own is a different matter. I’ve had to work at it lately, to make an effort to be more open. I’m not the only one that when someone asks ‘How are you?’ my automatic response is ‘I’m fine’ regardless of how I actually feel. I’m never sure that anybody genuinely wants to know how I really am...or if I really want to tell them.

I guess that’s one of the reasons I decided to start a blog. To get some feelings out there - ugh, made myself cringe.

I’ve always had a few small groups of friends. They’re caring, funny, talented and clever. There’s definitely a few less these days than there once were, but there are also a few new ones.

When I had Z, it did become harder to socialise. Mostly at first I didn’t want to, I never had energy, calling it a night at 9pm (or earlier if I could) isn’t very rock and roll but also because I couldn’t stand to be away from him for long. Then it became hard to even go out because finding someone to look after Z is limited to Grandparents only, there is nobody else I trust with him, and nobody who knows him well enough or the routines - just typing this has made me realise just how close our inner circle is.

Becoming a mum to a child on the spectrum (or any kind of SEND parent) can be dark and lonely at times, when those sneaky bad thoughts creep in and you find yourself in a pit of despair. This is why friends are so important. Some will just never get it, which is understandable, it is impossible to grasp the impact a diagnosis has on your life when all you have experienced is a neurotypical world. But I just want to take a moment to be thankful for those friends that remind me that I’m still Sarah and not just a mum. That although autism is now a massive part of my life, it is not the only part. I’ve found friends that not only check in on me, talk to me about Z, listen to me rant about services or appointments and whatever else, but also tell me to try new things. They encourage my self confidence and my photography, take me out of the house on adventures, have helped me on my path, been there for me when I’ve faced some really hard times and don’t give up on me when I’m being a complete moody cow - which is obviously hardly ever... and of course those that don't mind when I have to cancel plans because I just can't function that day.

On the whole, it’s not easy to find time for friends as a parent. Routines and schedules get in the way. Even taking Z out is not simple, so playdates are pretty much non-existent for us. We only tend to go to the same few places where I know Z is happy, and that can be hard for some people to understand. It's tricky for me too, as I just want to keep everyone happy. It’s especially hard when you have a lack of sleep to deal with too. One thing that has made it a lot easier to feel less alone for me, is finding parents with autism or autistic kids through social media. Although we’re all living different lives, we all still understand what it is like, for me it’s generally been really positive. It’s a space where we can check in with each other, share experiences, encourage each other and pick others up when they’re down. Although it can often feel like we’re alone, we’re really not. We just need to learn to reach out.

Sarah x

“Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” 

- J.R.R. Tolkien,  LOTR