Can we return to normal?

Z loves to inspect everything up close.

Can we return to normal? Should we return to normal? Right now it feels like it'll never be the same as it once was.

I’m so anxious about it all. This week I’ll start back at work after being furloughed since the start of lockdown. I know we can’t stay like this, in our little bubble forever, but the worry of getting sick is just always there.

Z has not been to nursery since mid March. We’ve had no speech and language therapy, no progress on getting occupational therapy and I can’t get him to focus on activities for longer than a few minutes. I’ve definitely tried not to pressure myself to feel we have to fill up every moment of the day with learning and educational activity, but it does bother me that all he wants to do is watch TV. I’ve told myself (and others have told me) that as long as he’s happy that’s what matters.

Now though, it’s time to start facing our new normal. Nursery is starting to reopen and we’ve had to make the decision to send Z back. It isn’t an easy choice, but we’re going to need childcare.

I’m stuck in a loop. If I send him to nursery there are some big changes he will need to overcome. Firstly, I can’t go in with him anymore, I’ll have to stop at the door and hand him over - sounds simple but it isn’t. Our routine before lockdown was - get out of the car, walk to the far side of the nursery wall, let Z balance on the curb all the way to the gate, open the gate, press the door code, let Z press the buzzer. Then, let him open the door, let him press the buzzer to his room. Hold him up at the door to see who is coming to let him in. Walk down the corridor to his room, he pretends to fall over, we go into the room. THEN if all is ok it’s bag off, coat off, and he’ll go play before sitting down to breakfast. If it’s not all ok then there’s normally a meltdown and I’ll sit with him until he’s ok.

Maybe, I’m worried about nothing though. It’s been a few months, he could have forgotten about the routine and be ok with me leaving at the door. But then, there’s all the new hand washing routines, the rooms will be different and he’ll have to be told where he can and can’t go (good luck).

If I don’t send him to nursery though, he misses out. He’ll miss out on time with other kids, he’ll miss his keyworker, and on all the activities he will do at nursery that he will not do at home. Then there’s the fact he’ll be starting school in September. Will going back to nursery ease the transition into school life? Or should he stay off and just start school in September in case two changes of routine is too much?

I’m THE WORST decision maker, I can barely decide what to eat for lunch so a decision like this just makes my head turn to mush. The fine balance of which side is right, I’ll never know, I just have to make the best decision I can for our situation as does everyone else right now. So, I just hope that in sending him back (two mornings a week only) that we’re making the right choice, that he’ll be eased into school transition, socialise a little, show off his improving speech to his keyworker and that he’ll be able to focus better on activities with them than he does at home.

We’re all facing tough choices during this time and if you’re in a similar situation, I really hope you find what’s best for you. We’re all different, fighting different battles and have our own circumstances to consider. But what matters most is staying safe and healthy.

Sarah X