Could it be PDA?

Around a month ago I had an email promoting a webinar on PDA - Pathological Demand Avoidance. I’d heard of it before and had a vague idea of what it was but that’s as far as my knowledge went. I was curious so I decided to google it and read a little more on it. I came across a YouTube video and that was the lightbulb moment. It felt like everything suddenly just made sense. Everything I was hearing and reading was so relatable with Z and I had to find out more.

From my understanding so far, PDA is part of the autism spectrum. In brief, along with social and sensory differences typically associated with autism someone with a PDA profile also has an extreme need to avoid demands in order to control anxiety. This is something so true of Z. For the last year we’ve noticed him saying “no” to SO many things, even things we know he enjoys. With this seemingly becoming more noticeable during lockdown I wasn’t sure if it was just a reaction to being stuck at home for such a long time. But, the more I start to understand about PDA, the more convinced I am that this is a part of him. 

There are a number traits that make me think Z has a PDA profile. Obviously first there is the constant refusal of demands, but also he often really over reacts to simple requests. For example “shall we put your socks on?” Could end with Z in tears on the floor shouting “no Mummy! Not socks on”.  He might refuse to do things we know he enjoys, like playing in the garden or eating dinner. Sometimes I wonder if he understands that I'm the parent and he's the child, even often enjoying adult company to other children. If he is avoiding demands he might also use a random distraction to do so. So I might say 'would you like pizza or fishfingers?' he would reply 'It's a cat'. 

Myself and Daddy Z were finding ourselves increasingly frustrated at the constant ‘no’s’ and his need to be in charge of everything. I understand that a lot of kids go through this phase, pushing boundaries, seeing what they can get away with, but this is extreme. From holding his hand over our mouths to stop us talking, shouting at us for singing (definitely nothing to do with my singing... ok this could be a sensory issue too), getting upset and telling me off for feeding Baby L or shushing him to sleep, to having meltdowns for us asking him if he wanted toast or cereal that day. 

I realise now that everyday, we were bombarding him with demands. Tiny but constant demands. ‘Brush your teeth’, ‘put your socks on’, ‘shall we get your clothes on?’, ‘put your shoes on’, ‘it's time to get in the car’,  ‘hurry up!’. We were filling his day up with demand after demand, adding to his anxiety constantly. The big challenge for me is understanding that this isn’t him being stubborn. He’s not being naughty, he literally can’t help the need to avoid demands and feel in control, and I need to learn to keep my cool, which at the moment is really testing as a parent.

Right now, I don't know what the next steps are. I'm still reading and trying to understand as much as I can about PDA. I'm trying to find practical advice on how to help Z, how to be a better parent through this - because it takes a LOT of patience and understanding and basically relearning how to demand without demanding. I need to decide if its worth trying to get a formal diagnosis or not... there's a lot to figure out basically and it's all still jumbled up in my head. 

We'll get there.

Sarah x